batman forever

I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

how to lose weight

This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight. She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?" The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!" She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?" The doctor says, "Next time your ordered food."

a man on his honeymon

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

jesus vs the devil

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves.

woman are like computer viruses

Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you become an old version DELET you from the system

jimmy and the dog

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!!

school joke

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

i am not trespassing

A GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE WERE SWIMMING AT THE DURBAN BEACH DURING THE APARTHEID ERA, THEN AN INDIAN MAN JOINED THEM AND SRARTED SWIMMING. A POLICEMAN STOPPED HIM: "THIS IS A WHITES ONLY AREA" HE REPLIED: " BUT I DID'NT THINK I WAS TRESPASSING- THIS IS THE INDIAN OCEAN!

bob and the blond

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blond replied, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again

family issues

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.” The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too !” On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” “Yes, my wife…

the dmv worker

A man is at DMV. [DMV Worker] Name, please? [Man] Abdul Khan. [DMV Worker] S*x? [Man] Yes. Three to five times a week. [DMV Worker] No, no… I mean, male or female? [Man] Both male and female. And, sometimes with camel. [DMV Worker] Holy cow! [Man] Yes, I did one time with a cow, too. [DMV Worker] But isn ´ t that hostile? [Man] Horse style, doggy style, any style! [DMV Worker] Oh dear! [Man] No, no! ….. No Deer…….. Deer run too fast!

little jhonny

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, I think I broke his gambling. The father asked how and she said, He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money. DAMN! said the father. What ’s wrong?, the teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher ’s butt before the day was over!

black eyes

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye. ” The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner ?” “Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.

blond writing her exam

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers

blond on the coke machine

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!

blond goin to jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

pizza joke

This blonde went to the pizza place and ordered a pizza. The pizza guy asked her if she wanted it cut into six pieces or twelve. “Oh, six,” she said. “I could never eat twelve pieces

blond and the indicator lights

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...

indian trying to be an english man

This Indian man moved into his
new home in England.
His English neighbour, being the
nice bloke that he was decided,
to make him feel welcome.
He went next door to wish him
welcome. He was shocked to see
the Indian man in his nice
backyard chasing ten chickens
around like mad. "Must be an
Indian custom," he thought to
himself. Deciding he could put off
the welcome till a later date, he
went home.
The next day, he decided he was
going to welcome the Indian man
again. When he looked through
his window, he saw the Indian
man urinate into a cup and drink
it. "Must be an Indian custom," he
thought to himself. Deciding he
could put off the welcome till
tomorrow, he went on with other
stuff.
The third day, he was
determined he had to welcome
the Indian man. At his gate, he
saw the Indian man with his ear
pressed against a cow's big fat
butt. He became angry and went
up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry
sir, I want to wish you a
welcome, but I cannot stand
your crazy Indian customs!" He
yelled in the Indian man's face.
The Indian man looked confused
and answered. "Sorry sir, I think
you are mistaken. These are
actually English customs. I was
told, to be English, you have to
chase chicks, get piss drunk, and
listen to bullshit."

life quote

LiFe Is LiKe EaTn ArThIcHoKes,U Av 2g0 ThRew So MuCh To GeT So LiTtLe